im fine, i just feel like i havent had much on my mind lately that actually feels worth writing about. the possibility of better days still feels like an uncertainty but im moving along slowly.
im just so tired but i have just enough faith still left in myself to keep going, you know. i always hold onto really stupid things to keep me going every day. “ä¸æ€•æ…¢ï¼Œå°±æ€•ç«™â€ or "do not fear moving slowly, just fear not moving at all", right? i guess.. i dont know
my sertraline dose is probably going to have to be bumped up again.
i keep thinking about relapsing back into those behaviors again. i was fine for a few weeks but even then i still cant stop worrying about it and now i want to go back even though it made me miserable all the time.
im not really sure what to think anymore. i think im going to be able to get on antidepressant meds soon so i want to see what happens with that first. some days i feel fine and other days i feel like im just waiting for something to kill me.. i dont really like it but i dont feel like i deserve to feel anything positive about myself either..
i dont really have anything particular to write about today i think. i just feel tired and unmotivated. i want to work on my webdev projects or my art but i cant seem to muster up the energy to do anything. ive just been opening and closing and reopening the same tabs, staring at them thinking about doing something but then i just dont do anything.
i was thinking about how much i miss early mid 2010s Tumblr, and the other day i wanted to try making a theme again for the first time in forever, but nowadays you need to include so many external scripts that other people made just to make them not look like ass. i feel like that shouldnt be a problem. anyways. thinking back on it the custom themes were honestly probably the most exciting part of that site to me, but somehow even just reading the posts and spending hours scrolling through peoples blogs was enough for me.. i dont know why but i dont really like how much the scene has shifted on there... i cant describe it. i dont want to romanticise whatever the hell they were doing back then as well either because some of it truly was batshit insane (remember when ppl used to put IP trackers on their blogs lmao) but there are certain aspects of the way it was back then that id kill to have back.
custom tumblr themes were what introduced me to HTML/CSS/web design in the first place so theyll always have a special place in my heart.. i guess =_= i had always wanted to make a tumblr theme blog but i dont know if doing something like that is really worth it anymore especially for a site that i barely even use anymore. i heard that most people dont really give enough fucks about the desktop site anymore and if i put something out there i feel like it wont really stand out anyways. it feels the same as with my weird little drawings in that i dont really like showing them off to people unless i know its going to be perfect... or something.... i hate posting (releasing) something only to find out that theres a really ugly or annoying oversight/error in it but then its like oh no now even if i delete it forever i cant pretend it never happened. gdi
i think that if you have children what you are not supposed to do is call them worthless and get in their face and scream at them at 4 in the morning until they want to die.
sorry. i dont really have anything else to say. sometimes i really just think that people who dont have depression or anything should just mind their own business if they cant be bothered to try to understand. this was why i didnt write anything yesterday by the way, not that i was planning on committing to writing something everyday anyways. i dont really want to go into detail about the whole thing anyways because theres too much context required and also thinking about it too much just makes me feel worse. not to mention that lately ive been doing as much as possible in order to avoid my own emotions
i was contemplating how i would feel if i ever found out that someone i knew IRL found this blog, and my first conclusion was that i would probably delete everything out of shame and never think about it ever again. but now im not so sure. maybe it should be something more along the lines of 'congratulations, youve discovered a side of me and my mind that im too much of a coward to bare in front of everyone else in my life because i never figured out how to express my thoughts properly like a normal person'
i used to think that i was just awkward and bad at social interactions because i spent most of my time alone when i was younger (which didnt bother me at all, mind you), but now i feel like at this point youd think that after all these years it wouldve maybe gotten at least a little bit easier by now, but it really hasnt. maybe online ive learned how to talk to people somewhat but in front of real people i basically shut down, even when i dont really have a reason to. for a long long time i always just assumed that being a quirky unhinged maladjusted weirdo with antisocial and avoidant tendencies was just an unfortunate part of who i am but i never really considered the possiblies of there being an underlying cause for it, because i didnt think that there was anything that could explain it besides it just being my natural disposition, but i recently learned about the possibility of a few things that could suggest otherwise, and some of the factors just aligned so well that it almost feels ominous.. somehow
while i dont have any desires to suddenly become a social butterfly with infinite charisma i would at least appreciate a more tangible explanation as to why ive spent my entire life feeling like i dont really fit in as well as i could be. whenever most people talk to me, something in the back of my mind always feels a little off, like im trying to put up a face of being something im not. like im always playing some sort of hyper-advanced game of 4D minesweeper in my brain trying to navigate how to interact with other people in order to seem as most not un-well-adjusted and un-weird as possible. i feel like this has always been kind of present in my subconscious but i didnt really notice it was there at all nor did i pay it any mind because i just thought that everyone else felt that way all the time as well, and they probably do, but probably not to this extent. they probably dont think about it nearly as much either. it doesnt work anyways cause it all sounds great in theory but in practice its never turns out that way and its almost as if i never even learned any social skills at all from the moment i was born. i dont think i was made for functioning in society.
im not going to go into too much detail because i hate jumping to conclusions when it comes to things like this, but i just want actual answers that exist somewhere else besides my head so i can finally come to terms with living with myself. and then maybe i can finally stop feeling guilty for things that are ultimately out of my control.
im sorry that this turned out way more depressing than i intended it to be, but ive been thinking about this way too much over the past month or so.. also, i feel like for some reason my writing style for when i talk on the internet has been overly flat and way too formal lately and im not quite sure why. i swear im not this serious all the time but when i overthink things i feel like it just happens
more than two weeks after i decided that i was going to bring my Neocities site back, i think im finally done (for now)
im very indecisive, actually. and it has to be perfect so it was mostly just me rearranging everything and messing with the CSS until it felt right. the vision in my head of what i wanted this site to look like kept changing, and now it looks almost nothing like how it was when i started. if i knew exactly what i wanted from the start, it probably wouldnt have taken me nearly this long to finish it, though it was a combination of me both working on it on-and-off for several days for a while, and at times not doing anything at all because i just didnt know what to do. remaking this site actually brought back my interest in wanting to learn more about frontend web development, and i think one day i'll redo this site all over again but with Eleventy serving the blog posts instead of me manually typing them all into the Neocities editor. im not quite there yet, though, so i still have my work cut out for me.
this site currently only consists of my blog and basically nothing else. i considered adding other pages as well, but i couldnt really fill them up with enough content to bother keeping them around. maybe i'll eventually re-add them as tabs in the sidebar. the previous iterations of my site were like this too anyways. just me and my thoughts against the world. the problem is that i keep nuking all of my blog posts every time i start feeling too embarrassed about them, but one of my goals this time around is to hopefully not do that. only time will tell whether i can hold true to that statement.
